I often wonder if I am running without aim in my life. I feel that I am running toward God with all I have, but I don’t know if I am running in the right direction. I have been feeling great discouragement of late, and I know this is of the devil – for God has given us a spirit of power and of love and of a sound mind. There is no condemnation for us. But still, this feeling of aimlessness remains. I want to do for God, I want to lay down my life for Him, but I just don’t know how. I am starting school for a bachelor’s in biblical studies soon, and then, God willing, I will move on to Master’s in Divinity at a school God leads me to.
I know that my goal is to live my life in accordance with God’s will and to make and teach disciples of all nations. I aim for God; I aim for His kingdom and His righteousness. But, I fear that I am running in the wrong direction. I feel that possibly this has to do with my running after Him but not really knowing how I am to run with Him. It is this gap from seminary to what happens after. I have a long time still to feel the leading of God for after I get to that part of the race. I have faith that He will use me. After all, going to seminary is something I feel He is calling me to. That ever present wondering of what that call is going to be has me wondering if this is the path I am supposed to take.
I am being attacked with such thoughts as you will not be good at anything you do for God, who are you kidding, there’s no life for you in the service of the King. This reminds me of The Screw-Tape Letters. I know I am being attacked by satan, and I fear he is winning. I know the Bible fairly well, and I am using that knowledge for what I write in this blog. Still, the attacks come – you do this for your glory and not God’s. I have no desire at all for someone to read this blog and look at me for anything; I want them to hear God’s word. I am being beaten down and trodden upon with this.
My sword is honed, oiled, and ready for battle. You don’t know how to wield that thing, hahah, I hear in response to this. I know otherwise. This sword is sharper than any double-edged sword, cutting between muscle and bone, sinew and tendon. I use this sword in defense of my faith, which is the shining shield I hold up and peer over at my attacker. I do what I can to stand against these attacks. Maybe I don’t rely upon God for the help He will provide as I should. I don’t know. Is this the call I heard, or am I being deceived?
I just do not want to find out that I am disqualified for the prize. I know I am going the right way; I am taking that path less traveled. Am I supposed to? I know I am. Do not worry about my life, Jesus says. I will be taken care of, just us the ravens and lilies of the field are.
I just wanted to share with you the testimony of the attacks I am under. It can become hard, but I will persevere. I will not have my mind set on things of this world, but on things of His Kingdom. I work for Him, no matter the earthly job I have. I refuse to allow the adversary to break me down. Will you stand with me?
- My name is Jonah (eliezer40.com)